Skinny Friend

I’ve been considered the ‘skinny’ friend my whole life. I was always the lanky, awkward, skinny friend who tried to stay in the background. Many people would call me names or try and put their hand around my waist.

Growing up, I naturally was skinny. I would eat three times a day and snack. I ate like a normal kid my height should eat. The doctor was never worried about my weight and told me I was perfectly healthy. But everyone I knew always would ask me, “Well do you eat?” I was young and had no idea that mental diseases were even a thing. I would be very confused by the question and always answer with a strong yes.

Once I got to high school, which started for me in the 7th grade, I was still naturally skinny but I was gaining weight due to puberty. My parent’s friends started asking them if I was eating enough or that I needed help. They would remark they were just ‘worried’ about me. I grew so annoyed with everyone asking if I was eating enough or throwing up after I ate.

I began to understand eating disorders when one of my best friends started using the restroom every time she was done eating. She honestly thought I wouldn’t notice and eventually, I asked if she was alright. She confessed that she was bulimic and was throwing up after every meal so she could loose weight. She was very open about her disease, which confused me more. I always thought if you had depression, anxiety, an eating disorder or any type of mental disorder, you weren’t supposed to talk about it. Society made me believe you were to keep it quiet.

The day I truly understood mental disorders was the day my first ‘love’ told me he didn’t want me. I was only 13 and I just felt numb. I didn’t feel sadness, anger, or pain. I just locked myself in my room and stared at my walls. I felt nothing. This numb feeling continued until my junior year of high school. I knew my life was complete shit. I knew that everything was my fault. I lost my friends, I shut out my family, I didn’t go out with anyone, I didn’t want to leave my bed. I hated going to school because I knew everyone was staring at me and judging me. I knew they all hated me and there was no point in me being alive.

My whole teenage life, I was in a deep depression. Some days, I would try to fight it but sometimes I couldn’t. With this depression, I gained anxiety. I have yet to shake this. I have terrible test anxiety, I was considered shy but I knew it was because my anxiety was so high. I couldn’t tell anyone because I felt so ashamed of myself. With the shame, I began to stop eating. I would pretend to eat meals in my room but just throw the food away. I hated eating out because I knew I hate to eat more than I usually do. I became so ill. I skipped even more school, I stayed in bed even more than before, I was becoming the person I was afraid to be my whole life.

The sad part was everyone started complimenting my skinnier body. “You look like you could be a model.” is what everyone would tell me. It made me a little bit happier than before. I was starting to feel something but it wasn’t exactly happiness. I was feeling pain, anger, confusion. I was scared that I would end up dead soon.

My junior year of high school, I finally decided to get that boy I have been crushing on forever. Somehow he asked me to the winter dance and I was completely ecstatic. I didn’t eat much when we went out to dinner beforehand. He’s a bit of an idiot and didn’t realize I don’t eat in general.

When we went to prom later that year, he still didn’t understand the reason I got the kids meal. It had the least amount of food. He praised me to his friends. He kept bragging that I was a cheap date.

My senior prom is finally when he realized what I was doing. I was still stick thin and very unhealthy looking. I knew I had to look extra good that day so I ate the smallest amount of food I could so I wouldn’t pass out.

That Monday after prom at school, I nearly passed out in gym class and was told to go to the nurse’s office. The nurse knew exactly what I was doing. She would repeat over and over and asked if I was eating. I knew the answer, she knew the answer. I just couldn’t say the answer. I was sent home that day and I confessed to my mom I haven’t been eating right for years.

I was considered the skinny friend. I had a reputation to uphold. I wanted to be prettier and happier. I thought if I was skinny, I would make friends. I might have been able to keep my friends. I thought I could get a guy’s attention.

It’s been a few years since I overcame many of these mental disorders. My depression and anxiety come back every once and a while but I know how to control myself so they don’t take over my life. I still get the, “Well do you eat?” every once in a blue moon. I may not be as thin as I once was but I’m nowhere near being fat. I’m happy with my thicker thighs and fatter ass. I’m okay that I don’t have a perfect stomach. I’m trying so hard to embrace my stretch marks. I’m so happy that society is changing to where every body type is beautiful. If you are naturally thin, like me, don’t be afraid to be you. You don’t have to gain weight to make yourself feel pretty. Look at yourself in the mirror and remind yourself that you are hot as hell.

Embrace being the skinny friend.

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Current Favorite Makeup Products

Makeup has been one of my passions since I was allowed to wear it. I love the fact that you can change your face every single day. Some people may not see the point in spending so much money and only be able to wear it for a limited amount of time but, I see it as art.

My skin is combination. It is more dry in the fall and winter and more oily in the spring and summer.

1. Maybelline Baby Skin Instant Pore Eraser Primer

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$6.99 ulta.com

I, sadly, have huge pores and NEED this primer every single day to wear makeup. It does exactly what it promises. If you too have bigger pores, I highly recommend this product. I wouldn’t say it keeps my foundation on longer but it overall makes my skin look nicer. I wear it all year round. I wear it on my days I don’t wear makeup and I wear it under my makeup.

2. Maybelline Fit Me Matte + Poreless 

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$7.99 ulta.com

I adore this foundation for the spring and summer months. It’s not at all expensive and but it performs like it was higher end. It keeps me matte and helps to cover my pores even more. I would say it’s more on the medium coverage side rather than full. My freckles and blemishes still come through. I can wear it all day without it breaking up or looking cakey on the skin. Highly, highly recommend you giving this or the dewy version a try. I get the shade 110 porcelain.

3. NYX Hi Definition Photo Concealer Wand

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$4.99 ulta.com

I have yet to find a concealer that tops this $5 concealer. Granted, I have not yet tried the shape tape by Tarte due to the lightest shade always being sold out when I get paid. I wouldn’t say it’s the most pigmented concealer but it’s not drying, its color is perfect to actually brighten my under eyes. I usually use this with the peach concealer and it works perfectly. I highly recommend this to anyone who is pale or is looking for a great concealer. I also get porcelain in this which is not the lightest shade.

4. Coty Airspun Translucent Extra Coverage Loose Face Powder

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$5.97 walmart.com

This face powder defiantly has a strong scent to it. It smells like old lady perfume but it works magic. It makes your face so smooth, I completely understand why everyone on YouTube uses this to bake. I bake my face every day with this powder. It’s just amazing and I’ve honestly gotten use to the scent.

5. E.L.F. Eyebrow Kit

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$3.00 ulta.com

I’ve been using this baby since filling in your eyebrows became a thing. I use my own angled brush and spoily I’ve had around since I bought my first makeup brush kit. The angled brush I use is still being sold it’s by ecotools. I bought mine at Walmart but you can get it from Ulta as well. This product gives you natural looking brows so if you want those Instagram brows, this isn’t going to be your product. The best thing about this product is I don’t use that much of it so a $3 product lasts me such a long time.

6. Physicians Formula Butter Bronzer Murumuru Butter Bronzer

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$14.99 ulta.com

I bought this because of all the hype it had on the internet. I never really wanted to buy it because it was a bit more expensive for a drugstore bronzer but I kept buying ones that were too orange or too red. This is literally so subtle and the shade is perfect. Once I run out, I most likely will be buying another one because it’s so good. I’ve even tried high-end bronzers and nothing compares to this one.

7. NYX HD Blush

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$6.99 ulta.com

I really enjoy the shade Hampton. It’s a very pink shade but blushes seem to fade on me so it becomes really natural looking on my pale skin. They have so many shades on the Ulta website. They have a shade for every single skin tone. They blend so well and are so beautiful. I finally hit pan on it a few weeks ago and was completely torn apart.

8. The Balm Mary-Lou Manizer 

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$29.95 sephora.com

I actually bought this bad boy because of its packaging. It was so 1950s and it swatched beautifully. There was no way I was leaving the store without it. It’s basically the only highlighter I use. It gives a natural glow but you can also layer it to make it really pop. If you have no clue about highlighters, I recommend this baby.

9. Urban Decay Pervesion Mascara

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$22.00 ulta.com

I actually didn’t like this at first due to the fact I was so caught up in the Better Than Sex bandwagon. I love them both but I prefer Perversion now that I’ve been keeping an open mind. It’s really black. It’s a wet formula, which I prefer. If you want more natural lashes, it will accomplish that but it also can give you dramatic volume and length if you apply two or three layers. It’s really hard to get off though. That’s the only downfall I have.

10. BH Cosmetics Take Me To Brazil Eyeshadow Palette

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$12.99 bhcosmetics.com

I’m completely obsessed with colored looks. This palette has everything you need for fun summer looks. My favorite shades are the pinks and oranges. They are so pigmented and just incredible. If you want to get out of your comfort zone and move into colors, get this palette.

11. Stilia Stay All Day Waterproof Liquid Eye Liner

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$22.00 sephora.com

I know there are so many dupes out there for this eyeliner but for some reason, I stick with the more expensive version. Mine, sadly, has dried out and I have yet to repurchase it. I’ve been using the liquid liner by NYX but it cracks on me. Once I get paid, I’ll most likely be purchasing another one of these.

12. Colourpop Ultra Satain Lip

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$6.00 colourpop.com

My favorite shade is Dopey. I love the formulation of these lipsticks. They dry down matte but aren’t drying at all. I have drier lips so these are a God send. They aren’t transfer proof but I would rather wear these lipsticks then the ultra matte. The wand also makes it easier to over line my lips as well. Everything from Colourpop is completely amazing. You can’t go wrong with any purchase.

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10 Inexpensive Clothing Sites

Being a bargain shopper is something that is in my blood. Both of my parents raised me to make sure I knew how to stretch my dollar. I’m always looking for sales, clearance, or just cheaper stores in general. There are items I believe are worth a little more money but for fast fashion items, I’m not going to Guess or Tommy Hilfiger.

Keep in mind, you are paying for the look not the quality with these items. They are not going to last you all of your life, let alone college. Also, make sure you read reviews on the items that catch your eye. It may not be expensive but you also don’t want to be buying garbage.

1. Forever 21

Let’s get the obvious site out of the way first. Yes, so many people recommend this site or store. There is a reason for that. Most of the clothing is under $20. They carry fast fashion but some pieces are a little bit more unique. If you want to look like everyone else, this is your store.

romper $10.00 clips $2.90 t-shirt $8.90

2.  Boohoo

This is a company over in the UK. It’s completely brilliant. This happens to be my favorite store. I’ve bought shoes, formal dresses, summer clothing, accessories, the whole nine yards. Make sure you chose the correct country to get the right sizes and prices. They are always running sales so check in daily to see if the items you want are on sale.

playsuit $26.00 sandals $26.00 shirt $36.00

3.  Amazon

Amazon has been upping their game with clothing. You can find so many amazing clothing for not a high price. Yes, they do sell other items that are a bit more expensive but if you set the setting from low to high, I’m almost sure you find something you like. Also, if you have prime, you get free two-day shipping. How great is that?

shir$14.99 hat $24.00 dress $12.99

4.  Missguided

This is another company based in the UK. They have such high-quality things for not that high of price. There are some things that are a bit steep but you can find some amazing things in the sales. They are also always running sales so check back every week to make sure you’re not missing out on something. Also, if you’re a college student, you get 50% off nonsale items.

joggers $11.70 shoes $21.60 dress $12.60

5. thredUP

I’m all about thrifting so to have such a popular thrift site is a dream come true. I honestly wish I would have thought of it first. You can get everything you want at such a low price. If you’re okay with wearing something that someone else has worn, check out this site.

shirt $9.99 dress $18.99 skirt $16.99

6. Tobi

You receive 50% off your first order. Yes, you read that right. They completely sucked me in by just offering that. They are always running amazing sales. Their clearance is beautiful. Everything about this site is amazing. I highly recommend just buying one item to give it a chance.

dress $16.00 jeans $19.00 skirt $23.00

7. Rue 21

Since most of the stores around me have closed, I’ve begun to order things from their website. They honestly are one of my favorite stores. They have such inexpensive things that are so comfy. I love their home decor as well.

bodysuit $8.49 sweatshirt $5.00 cropped shirt $10.49

8. LuLu’s

They are at a higher price point but still worth a look at. There are some affordable items in the sales section. They have such stunning pieces. They are at the higher end of things but you are paying for quality with these garments.

pants $29.00 heels $27.00 dress $32.00

9. ClothingUnder10.com

I’ve never purchased from this site but I’ve only even heard good things. Most everything is under $10 so it’s worth a shot to just buy a few things. You won’t be breaking the bank with just giving it a chance.

dress $12.99 shorts $9.99 shirt $9.99

10. SheIn

I’ve also never ordered anything from this site. It is a wholesale site but this is one that has got so many positive responses. I will most likely be ordering some items from this site in the near future. I recommend looking up recent YouTube reviews that show the good items they got instead of straight from the website. If you guys would like me to do a review on the site please comment telling me I should.

dress $19.00 purse $21.00 shirt $15.00 

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Story Time: Joining Greek Life

In spring 2016, I was sucked into going to a recruitment event for a sorority. I tried to go into this open minded. I knew for a fact I had to open up more and not be my usual awkward self. The only thing on my mind going through this was, “Don’t say anything to these girls that will make them question why you were asked to come.”

I didn’t know anything about Greek life. I never thought I would want to join an organization like a sorority. I was a part of the fashion association and the visual merchandising club at the time. I thought that I needed to make friends with the fashion majors because my mom told me I needed to have contacts to fall back on. If I wanted to make it in the fashion industry, I needed connections. I’m now a junior and I’ve only really made two friends who are going in the fashion industry.  It’s not surprising they are in the same sorority as me.

The main reason I decided to go to this recruitment event was because a girl in my visual class told me I should come and meet some of her sisters. I told her I would think about it because it’s something I never thought I would do.

After meeting the five people that showed up to the event, I fell in love. Crazy enough, these five people will be in my family line. The frog fam was the main reason I wanted to join. I had a long talk with my parents before going to another event. They told me that if it was something I wanted to do to just do it.

I ended up chickening out on wing night. I just couldn’t see myself being a sorority girl. I was the not so popular girl in high school. I never had many friends. I didn’t really get along with females because they would always talk crap about each other or they would get jealous easily. Don’t get me wrong, I like talking shit every once and a while. I’m a pretty petty person. I just don’t enjoy when you’re supposed to be friends and then you talk utter crap on them. It just doesn’t make sense. I didn’t want to deal with that again.

My friend from visual contacted me again over summer asking if I was still interested in Greek life. I, again, told her I was thinking about it. At this point, I had no idea it costs so much to join or that there were classes or tests or even rituals. I knew NOTHING about it. I wanted to learn a little bit more about what I was getting into so I started researching IUP’s Greek Life. There are 11 sororities on campus. I kept thinking, “That is so many girls to try and impress.” I didn’t know that Theta Phi Alpha already liked me.

I went to kickoff in the fall of 2016. I was scared, nervous, and also excited. I sat beside a girl who was way prettier than myself. She asked if I would mind walking around to meet everyone. We both had a sorority in mind but we wanted to make sure we were making the right decision. I really liked three other sororities but once I went back to Theta Phi Alpha, the girls still knew who I was and asked if I was still coming out to their recruitment events. I nodded as I knew I was going to theirs because I was already comfortable with some of the girls.

I was on the phone with my mom for hours trying to decide if I wanted to visit all the sororities or just go to Theta Phi Alpha’s event. I didn’t know you needed to visit them twice before being considered a bid. I began getting stressed out and told my mom I was going to just visit Theta Phi Alpha and try to get a feel if I like them.

I fell right back into love with these girls. I meet so much more girls and every single one was so nice and welcoming. They knew I was nervous but tried their best to get me to open up. I came prepared with questions and they were so amazing at answering every single one. I, of course, was the last person to leave the event because I honestly didn’t want to leave. That dang frog fam and their charm got me every single time.

I wasn’t going to go to the second event due to the fact of dues. I told my parents how much it costs. I could have paid for the first semester but then I couldn’t pay the whole second semester. I was crying on the phone with my parents and talking to my boyfriend about the situation. Eventually, my dad told me that if I wanted to be in the sorority that he would help me out.

I was so overjoyed to be able to attend the second recruitment event. I met, even more, girls and they literally became my soulmates. That sounds so cheesy but it was so easy to talk to them. I even talked to some of the other pnms (potential new members) and they were so cool. The one I really liked turned out to be one of my best friends and of course in my family line.

The one girl that sucked me in was a girl who was in fashion merchandising. I was just listing off things I enjoyed doing and she freaked out because we were the same person. We literally did the exact same things in our free time. She is actually my best friend and I’m so glad she was there that night because I was getting really antsy talking to one member.

My big is also a HUGE reason I joined. She first off told everyone she wanted me as her little. I don’t think she realized I was still in the room while she was telling people. She was such a sarcastic asshole and reminded me of my best friend back home that I knew she was going to be my person. I’m so grateful she took the time to talk to me every round I went to. She made me feel so relaxed and comfortable.

Getting my bid was one of the most exciting days of my life. I was almost sure they were going to give me a bid but I still got nervous. The day I got it, I internally screamed but I didn’t want to show the girls that I was excited. I don’t really like to show much emotion around people. That day, I bought a frame for my bid so I could point out that people actually like me.

Joining Theta Phi Alpha has really brought me out as a person. I used to be really shy and really insecure about myself. My sisters helped me come out of my shell and accept me for me. I was told I was pretty by family and my boyfriend but I was never called pretty by random people. I thought I was too fat, too tall, too manly looking. I just didn’t enjoy who I was as a person. I wanted to change everything about myself.

Even looking back at my freshman year of college to my sophomore year, you can see the difference in my personality and even my pictures. I look, I guess, happier. College was definitely something I had to get used to. I’m still getting used to it but I feel more confident in myself academic wise and personal wise.

Thank you to my sisters who have been my support system since the day we first met. Thank you for letting me be apart of something bigger than myself. I really enjoy making this world a better place with you group of girls.

Summer Bucketlist

Summer, for some reason, is always the time people are making bucket lists. They think that this summer they are going to do such amazing and exciting things. Since I’m me, I decided to join the bandwagon.

Here are ten things I would like to accomplish summer 2017.

1. Spend more time outside

Yes, that is a little pathetic. I just happen to always spend my free time in my bedroom watching Netflix. Bugs and the sun just aren’t my friends. Being pale, I’m always sunburnt and have to wear a whole bottle of sunscreen when I want to spend time outside. Bug bite and fly around you and are just annoying.

2. Get in shape

This always ends up on my bucket lists but I never end up doing it. Honestly, I don’t see it happening this summer either. I think we all want that ‘perfect’ summer body. I just don’t know if I’ll have time between my summer class and working to actually properly work out. I do enjoy taking walks with my pupper but that’s again when I have free time.

3. Learn new makeup techniques

I’ve been completely addicted to watching makeup tutorials again. I love how people are so original and so creative. Makeup is a way to express yourself so that other people can see your personality or even just your talent. I try to branch out from my usual warm toned looks but it’s just what I go towards. I’d like to try more products as well. I’ve been using the same products for over a year and I have got too comfortable using them to branch out. I don’t like wasting my money on something that doesn’t work for my skin.

4. Have badass hair

I’ve already had badass hair in the past. If you know me in real life, you probably remember my pink hair, my gray hair, my orange hair, my colored bangs, my dark hair, my bleached hair, literally every color that exists has been in my hair. This summer I want to have rose gold hair and then when that fades I want just nice light brown hair with highlights. I’m so sick of having hair that only has one color in it. I feel like it’s bland and boring.

5. Go to one concert

I really want to see Harry Styles, Ed Sheeran, Fitz and the Tantrums, Glass Animals, Bruno Mars, Bastille, Katy Perry, Halsey, Milky Chance, Lady Gaga, etc. Of course, I work at a minimum wage job and won’t even be able to afford to go to one of these. I also have no friends who have the same music taste that will go to the cheaper concerts anyways. It’s always nice to dream though.

6. Learn how to put fake eyelashes on properly

This is probably the only one that I can actually accomplish. For some reason, I can never put on my eyelashes on evenly. I know it takes time and practice but I’m a very impatient person. I want to be able to slay like the makeup community.

7. Be a part of the makeup community

This is never going to happen when I, 1: I can never take nice pictures of my good makeup days. 2: I can’t do amazing makeup anyways. I really love makeup, ask anyone. I just will never be as good as these 13-year-olds on Twitter.

8. Redo my bedroom

I was actually going to do this last summer but never got around to it. I still need to take my old carpeting out and paint my walls. I bought new bedding and pillows last summer. I will gradually get there. I have a feeling that once I’m finished, I’ll be done with college and be moving to a city.

9. Learn how to make my own clothing

I’ve always wanted to learn how to construct my own clothing. I know it takes a lot of work and time but I honestly want to learn. I will be taking a clothing constructing class in the fall semester but I’d like to get a head start. I also have been watching coolirpa on YouTube. She really inspired me to try to transform clothing into something I would wear. PS: Check out her videos they will blow your mind.

10. Grow my social media

I’d really like to get back into Instagram. I used to post at least twice a week and I completely neglected my feed. I also would match my feed in some way, either by similar color or even filter. I just stopped and I’ve been losing likes and follows because of it. I’d also like to gain follows on Twitter to try and make it in the makeup community there. The most important field I’d like to grow is this blog. I’m already completely blown away how supportive people are but I’d love to get readers who aren’t friends of mine or people who I know.

I’d love to hear what you guys really want to do this summer. It’s a time for adventures, so take one.

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